This is the second blog from OpenDiary dated 24th April 2009. I would say I had a lot on my mind... but I didn't. I clearly had one thing on my mind, and it was making me very angry
The most specific
rant ever
Asda. I have recently
discovered I hate supermarkets. Not for the monopoly, or the consumerism or the
mass trends and how much money they take from us in order for us to stay alive.
Noo! If I was in business I would do exactly the same thing. I hate them for a
varied number of reasons…
The pronunciation.
It’s Asda. As-da. NOT Asdas. Same applies for Tescos. However… Morison’s and
Sainsbury’s DO have the s. Where the hell do you get this magical mysterious s
from? It does not exist, it is not there. Why would you add it? It’s like
calling me Craigle! It’s quite clearly retarded and wrong and stupid. Why not
add a different letter. Tescon. Asdam. Makes just about as much sense!
Car parks. People
seem to believe that as soon as you drive into a car park it is the same
principle as driving into a field, therefore all rules of the road are
discarded. People cut corners down “roads” between the bays to a truly
disgusting state. To the extent that I, driving casually, carefully and
normally and PERFECTLY LEGALLY have to actually reverse a bit because they came
in at such a stupid angle and now cannot move at all. It, ugh… it’s stupid and
annoying and annoying and stupid and frustrating and oh I’m getting more wound
up thinking about this as I type
Seasonal products. I
want to buy bloody cream eggs whenever I want. I also want to go into a shop
and expect the same product to be in the same place for at least 3 recurring
visits. Why they insist on moving things is completely beyond me… (Says the one
who spent the day moving ends around at work… [That’s actually a lie I did
nothing at work… but ends were moved])
Self. Service. Tills.
Now… the concept behind self service tills is a fantastic one. A till where you
can do where you don’t have to speak to anyone and do everything at your own
pace. Except it’s not... let me set out a scenario… you approach the till with
a basket in one hand and a box of coke in the other. Basket goes onto the
basket stand and you put the coke on the scanner. Coke gets scanned, you go and
put it in the bag and the bags are NOT open and ready. So you put the coke back
on the scanning bed and take 20 minutes opening bags [see below]. After .2 of a
second the machine starts shouting “PLEASE PUT YOUR PRODUCT IN THE BAG” and
then says after .3 of a second… “PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE”. Once the coke is
in the bag, the machine has clearly weighted it and instead of going “Oh, I am
terribly sorry you took longer than half a second to put your product in the bag,
I apologise, please continue” It still makes you wait for hours until the
single woman manning 30 self service tills, 29 of them are filled with ancient
women who have no concept of time, let alone tills to come over, scan a thing,
throw you a patronising look that just screams “It was better when WE did it”
and moves on. Or, even worse… STANDS BESIDE YOU. They do this; they cover it by
saying things like “I will just stay here to make sure everything else goes
through ok”. Which everyone knows is “you are clearly incompetent as you cannot
put a thing of coke into a bag in ½ a second”, they are so polite about it and
that just makes it even worse. And I KNOW you can press the “I do not want to
bag this item” button. The problem with that is I DO want to bag that item,
which is not a decision I feel the machine should make for me. And evidentially
I will end up bagging the button, and the machine will shout at me again then.
“Unexpected item in baggage area” is another pain in the arse alert. If the
machines were competent enough to realise I had actually scanned something then
it would accept that it is in fact the right thing in the bag.
I am going to take a
paragraph break here… I didn’t really want to because it messes up the format
but a big block of text annoys me. So… here is an interlude. I honestly do not
know, or really want to know the thought process my brain takes over things I
say and do. I am honestly not consulted. I get debriefed, normally when it’s
too late, but not consulted. So I do silly things that make me appear creepy,
concerning, idiotic, drunk or just a plain twat. However I have mastered the
sacred art of hindsight. I say art, it’s more a thing everyone has. Unless they
have short term memory loss… they probably couldn’t say “in the benefit of
hindsight”. Though it is unlikely they will remember being a tool in the first
place. Anyway….
Self Service tills.
Part II. You would have though by now someone would have figured out that
newspapers are different weights and as a result adapt the machine to take a
range of weights. But no, every one you put in says “please ask for
assistance”. And that “popular un-coded barcode” section is a farce. No matter
what you have, even if it is the most popular un-coded item in the whole store
it is never actually in the section. Ever. There is something similar and twice
as expensive, but not the one you are looking for. The payment section is fun
though, they do that quite well. Unless like some sort of freak you keep your
notes in a pocket… or a wallet… and they are a little creased. Oh no they don’t
do them! Mint notes only please! And, once you have pulled your bags off the
stupid bag holding item, walked into the person next to you because he is so
close and started leaving… then it says in its most patronising way “thank you
for using the fast lane”. FAST?!? I could have written down the
barcodes, translated it into Morse code and sent it down to head office to
process faster than using these stupid things. Still… better than speaking to a
person. And DON’T get me started on the additional flaws that the Morrison’s
self service tills have. They are plentiful.
Sainsbury’s. Yes,
this gets one of its own. What is the purpose of this shop? As far as I can
gather it is to get you in with the good food, the fact Jamie Oliver is paid to
like it and its orange shininess. Then make you wait 60 days to get out again
with your purchases whilst feeling like you are batter with a giant stick of
depression. Honestly, they seem to have enough checkouts open for the time of
day, but go so, so slowly that throwing down a 50 quid note and a list of
barcodes seems a bloody good idea. You wouldn’t get any bags though [see below]
but a nice shiny basket has that extra re-usable feature. As an aside
Sainsbury’s have a function that they can send an automated text to your phone
to remind you to take bags so you can reuse them. 1) Who plans their shopping
THAT FAR in advance, and 2) either give me an incentive to reuse bags or ban me
from using new ones. Don’t just say “here, the planet is dying a little, please
reuse bags. But if you want a new bag anyway, we will give you one or two or
fifty of ours in exactly the same way as we used to. Though we have shaken it
up a bit by making the all too cheerful operator have to hand them too you”.
That is my biggest gripe. Now I KNOW that working on a till is monotonous,
mundane, something else beginning with m that’s relevant and mind numbing… but
for god sake a LITTLE bit of customer service wouldn’t go amiss. I walked up to
one and in my normal cheerful (and optimistic) way said “hey there”. She
grunted. ACTUALLY grunted. So I went out of my way to brighten up her little
life. “Wow thanks a lot, I hope you have a good day now” kind of irritating
shit. She hated me, it was hilarious. And having Papa Roach in my ear made me
giggle a little. If anyone has had good customer service on a till at Sainsbury’s
and would like the world to know please write to the usual address. Actually…
don’t. Honestly though… shopping there makes me want to stab someone… I totally
see where that guy came from, and he WORKED there.
Bags. Can someone
come up with some sort of carrying bag that does not split, has a substance,
some sort of reusable factor, is large enough to carry more than 2 small jars
and is EASY TO OPEN? I cannot open carrier bags. I can’t do it. It may be
because I am blatantly inept at most things, but I find it impossible. The
smirking patronising cashier has to do it. Sometimes twice. Oh how I hate her
and that odd sponge that makes it all too easy.
24 hour shopping.
Now, even if you absolutely positively HAVE to get some runner beans at 4 in the
morning… I really wouldn’t bother. You won’t be able to move, there are cages
strewn everywhere, half the sections will be fully stocked and the other half
will be empty. There will be one cashier servicing (;0) 30 customers most of
whom will be drunk and/or students. And she won’t be able to speak English.
And, AND… there is a hundred million gazillion staff stocking the shelves. Two
of which can speak English. And they are on their break.
Special offers. They
just make me spend more. Its terrible, I am really bad at ignoring them. “Oooh,
5 tins of salmon for the price of 4 and 2/3rds? Excellent, just what I need”. I
hate Salmon. And mega deals. Just make everything cheap. Cost price + VAT +
percentage to cover overheads + 1% profit or so. If everyone did that it would
be more a combat at who can reduce overheads and ultimately save the world. Who
cares about advancement? Do what you do first good… first. And the world is
screwed anyway.
Well that’s about it
I think. I really think I should stop just shy of 2000 words of
blatant ranting. People will begin to think I am an aggressive person. I’m not,
just a frustrated one who really needs to rule the world. That would fix it. Or
send it crashing down in a massive burning ball. You have to admit, both would
be entertaining
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