The Horror of Commercial Holidays

As promised, an all new blog post on the subject of commercial holidays. Boom

I have a lot of dislike for a great many things, from trivial things like people who don’t wave when you let them go in their car (even though you clearly have right of way and want to be nice), to things that might form an issue in later life, such as hating all other people. I want to be clear on that last one; I don’t mean specific people (with significant exceptions). I mostly mean the fact that people on the whole irritate me; the general public, if you will. It’s not really their fault; I can’t expect them to spend their entire lives not being in my way, even though that is exactly what they should do. But I digress; one thing that I have noticed I have become more and more irritated with over time is the subject of general annual ‘holidays’. By general holidays I don’t mean things like the May Day Bank Holiday, or Trades fortnight, I mean things like Halloween and Guy Fawkes/Firework night, for example. Holidays that, for all essential purposes, we will hereby call ‘Carlton Holidays’.

Take Fireworks night for example. Our dear Brit, Mr. Simon Pegg (@simonpegg) correctly summed the purpose this day as “November 5th, a day when we celebrate the failure of a terrorist plot by a Catholic extremist by burning his effigy and detonating tiny bombs”. The celebration of the failed terrorist attack soon turned to an anti-Catholic protest, where people burned effigies of the Pope and of course, of Guy Fawkes, our intrepid villain. Over time the reasons for ‘celebrating’ this day became less specific, and more ‘let’s blow shit up’. There is more history involved than this very brief overview, but as a gist it seems all there.

This isn’t why I hate it though. I hate it because I don’t understand why on earth people ‘celebrate’ this day. In truth, I have never really understood it.  I have been down to Aberdeen beach to view our city council funded firework display with romantic liaisons, and whilst it is nice being there with someone you love, watching things explode very far loses its appeal after a couple of minutes. It’s not like watching a skyscraper blow up. The firework event is made less appealing by all the other people there as well, breathing and being in my way, and the blisteringly cold Aberdeen temperatures. I think I have even played with sparklers in my friends back gardens as well, which are a bit more fun as you can try and finish writing your name in the air before the start of it disappears. This is about it for any contribution I have had with Fireworks NIght, and they have always really been a contribution of the moment, rather than something I have organised and/or been excited about.

I really don’t understand why people buy fireworks. It is, to me, the very definition of blowing your money up. More so, I don’t understand why shops sell (or are allowed to) sell explosives to basically anyone of age. Every year you hear horror stories of kids throwing lit fireworks at each other, tying them to dogs tails and retarded football players setting them off in their bathroom (because everyone knows that is a sensible thing to do). Fireworks are quite frankly dangerous and lethal and should be banned for general purchase. People should not be allowed to buy them, as people, in their very nature, are idiots. Fireworks should be banned before more people get injured or killed, and only allowed at huge state occasions like the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics, New Year or T in the Park. They should certainly not at an arbitrary date during the month of November to commemorate a failed terrorist attack/our hatred of Catholics. This is why I hate Fireworks, it’s dangerous, it’s loud, and it is utterly pointless.

A similar level of despair is levelled at All Hallows Eve, a wholly American celebration derived from the Christian Feast of the Dead on the day before All Saints Day (not a day honouring the much depleted girl band, unfortunately). Through various generations this day has been commercialised and bastardised in the UK by American corporations and has descended into an evening where children go out and demand chocolate and money from their neighbours (and if they are not willing, then they get eggs thrown against their door) and for students (and other miscreants) to use this as an excuse to dress up and get wasted for little reason.

It is important to take a break right now and to add that when I was a child I absolutely went out and got chocolate handed to me because I was dressed up and I expected this to happen. However, at that point I was not a) cynical b) an old man or c) a hypocrite and I really, really liked chocolate. Also, I have dressed up and got wasted in town on several occasions when I was a student, namely as Shaun (of the Dead, see @SimonPegg) and Arthur Dent. However I still maintain that Halloween was some of the worst nights of the year and I hope this goes some way to clear my hypocritical name.

Back on track, Halloween is now a key example of the Americanization of the UK, and most people who take part in this day DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY. They dress up, ‘cos everyone else dresses up, and get drunk, look like prats and misbehave, because that is apparently ok to do at Halloween. It has descended from being a religious festival into a money spinning farce, played out by companies such as Carlton, because it brings them in a significant income. You realise that the projected figures for 2011 in American alone were 6.8Bn USD, with an average person spending $72. All of this for basically dressing up like a prat and demanding chocolate from other people. Most of these people don’t even know WHY they do it, they do it because they feel it is expected. Whilst I would never indicate to people what they should do with their money, and at least they are spending it (and the American economy could do with it) do they have to bring their pish over here?

There is addition anger for other, similar days, such as Mothers/Father’s day, and specifically Valentine’s Day, but I think we can sense a recurring theme here, and I don’t want to get too tedious (Brief overview, I hate them, but I hate it more that I have to get something because society expects it of me, rather than I really wanting to do it. I can thank my mother and father whenever I want to thank you very much).

I am aware of the arguments in defense of these days, and to argue against me, namely  ‘it’s all a bit of fun’ and ‘you are a moody bastard’ (yes, I am) and such like, but I don’t care. I am being brought into these celebrations by complete strangers even though I DON’T WANT TO. I have to hide in my own house so people don’t think I am in and demand chocolate and I have to endure a week of ongoign bangs and pops and horribly loud needless noises whilst (in the past) I have to comfort my dog who was petrified by the random explosions. I can’t stand the anti-social explosions which occur above my house, raining spend firework cases down on people below them. I am all for people celebrating these things if they want, and wasting their money on fire when a match will suffice, but have a door, keep it behind it. Don’t surround me with your nonsense.

But I do have a suggestion! If you MUST do something on the fifth, you can do much, much worse than getting a beverage of your choice, a couple of friends and settling down to watch the excellent ‘V for Vendetta’. At least that way it won’t be you blowing shit up. And always remember the fifth of November, the gunfire treason and plot.