Sir,
It has come to this time of year again, and whilst I may not have been as good as last year, I submit my Christmas list to you for perusal and await the twenty fifth with a breath that will become more and more baited as the month progresses.
£163 Billion pounds (sterling) – This money, whilst specific, will be used to totally eliminate the deficit of the United Kingdom. This isn’t so much for the future of the country and such, I am just getting to the stage I am really hacked off with people who complain about the cuts and don’t give reasonably alternatives to save the money.
Some sort of car that doesn’t get bogged down in the snow, have to be dug out, crawl around at 5mph behind stupid people and generally handles weather well. Or a helicopter.
43 competent councillors who can replace the absolutely retarded 43 within the Aberdeen City Council (are there seriously that many? What do they even do?!?)
A Border Collie year old puppy thing called Badges (yes, this was on last year’s list but I really want one)
An aircraft carrier for our planes. Or planes for our aircraft carriers. Or whichever way around it is
All the DVDs. In the world. Except the porn ones. And the rubbish ones.
A big library/bookcase room for all the DVDs. In the world. (If I don’t get all the DVDs I probably don’t really need this one)
A present for Kieran which will make him very happy and firmly cement my position as best person ever.
Vodka which comes in hangover-free form.
The Democrats to take the house, by a landslide. So something can actually get done.
Mark Kermode on speed dial who can recommend which film to go and see at any given time. Just for ease of argument winning.
A sort of invisible pen that doesn’t really exist but kind of does so it writes like a pen but doesn’t sit in your hand physically... Does that even make sense?
A 5.56 mm, M4 Carbine with telescopic sight and M26 MASS shotgun attachment.
Laser eye treatment which not only fixes my eyes, but enhances them. With a zoom lense or infrared capabilities. We have the technology. We can rebuild me.
A specific department which investigates all crimes which happen around me, or involve me in any way. I would suggest this department be called something unique and not stolen from a popular TV series. Like TCIS.
To play laser tag in Harrods
Arron Sorkin to be executive producer and head writer of all TV and big screen based entertainment.
Apple to release unbranded merchandise so they will be revealed as the overpriced sham that they are!
I hope that this list has reached you in good health (your good health, not so much the list’s health) and find it suitably comprehensive.
Until next year.
Craig (Aged 23)
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