What I expect from 2012.

With the turn of the year upon us, I believe this is a suitable time to determine what I expect from the new year. I believe 2012 should be the year where...

...Sherlock (The Moffat/Gattiss reboot) gets recognised internationally for the ground-breaking quality, writing and production that it is, which is rarely seen these days.

...The bringing together of nations is safe, secure, enjoyable and good sport, where Terrorists do not once again define the National Agenda.

...Our dearest Ed is ousted from the leader of the Labour party and replaced with someone who actually has some sort of charisma, leadership skills and can maybe put up a political fight (such as David)

...The SNP financial report into independence is formally released, describing exactly how Salmond intends Scotland to finance itself (Books are closed on West Shetland and Renewable Energy). Until this is released, there is little point debating ideological reasons for and against, with their underlying racial undertones.

...Where film studios fail to ruin a good franchise (Hunger Games)

...The Eurozone crisis is resolved in a way which doesn’t cripple the economies of the world

...Stereoscopy film making dies

...Hitman: Absolution wipes the floor of all that comes against it.

...YouView Arrives and changes the way we watch television on our… televisions.

...Christopher Nolan is awarded recognition for the outstanding job he will do on The Dark Knight Rises

...Amy and Rory Pond are given the swansong they truly deserve

The Horror of Commercial Holidays

As promised, an all new blog post on the subject of commercial holidays. Boom

I have a lot of dislike for a great many things, from trivial things like people who don’t wave when you let them go in their car (even though you clearly have right of way and want to be nice), to things that might form an issue in later life, such as hating all other people. I want to be clear on that last one; I don’t mean specific people (with significant exceptions). I mostly mean the fact that people on the whole irritate me; the general public, if you will. It’s not really their fault; I can’t expect them to spend their entire lives not being in my way, even though that is exactly what they should do. But I digress; one thing that I have noticed I have become more and more irritated with over time is the subject of general annual ‘holidays’. By general holidays I don’t mean things like the May Day Bank Holiday, or Trades fortnight, I mean things like Halloween and Guy Fawkes/Firework night, for example. Holidays that, for all essential purposes, we will hereby call ‘Carlton Holidays’.

Take Fireworks night for example. Our dear Brit, Mr. Simon Pegg (@simonpegg) correctly summed the purpose this day as “November 5th, a day when we celebrate the failure of a terrorist plot by a Catholic extremist by burning his effigy and detonating tiny bombs”. The celebration of the failed terrorist attack soon turned to an anti-Catholic protest, where people burned effigies of the Pope and of course, of Guy Fawkes, our intrepid villain. Over time the reasons for ‘celebrating’ this day became less specific, and more ‘let’s blow shit up’. There is more history involved than this very brief overview, but as a gist it seems all there.

This isn’t why I hate it though. I hate it because I don’t understand why on earth people ‘celebrate’ this day. In truth, I have never really understood it.  I have been down to Aberdeen beach to view our city council funded firework display with romantic liaisons, and whilst it is nice being there with someone you love, watching things explode very far loses its appeal after a couple of minutes. It’s not like watching a skyscraper blow up. The firework event is made less appealing by all the other people there as well, breathing and being in my way, and the blisteringly cold Aberdeen temperatures. I think I have even played with sparklers in my friends back gardens as well, which are a bit more fun as you can try and finish writing your name in the air before the start of it disappears. This is about it for any contribution I have had with Fireworks NIght, and they have always really been a contribution of the moment, rather than something I have organised and/or been excited about.

I really don’t understand why people buy fireworks. It is, to me, the very definition of blowing your money up. More so, I don’t understand why shops sell (or are allowed to) sell explosives to basically anyone of age. Every year you hear horror stories of kids throwing lit fireworks at each other, tying them to dogs tails and retarded football players setting them off in their bathroom (because everyone knows that is a sensible thing to do). Fireworks are quite frankly dangerous and lethal and should be banned for general purchase. People should not be allowed to buy them, as people, in their very nature, are idiots. Fireworks should be banned before more people get injured or killed, and only allowed at huge state occasions like the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics, New Year or T in the Park. They should certainly not at an arbitrary date during the month of November to commemorate a failed terrorist attack/our hatred of Catholics. This is why I hate Fireworks, it’s dangerous, it’s loud, and it is utterly pointless.

A similar level of despair is levelled at All Hallows Eve, a wholly American celebration derived from the Christian Feast of the Dead on the day before All Saints Day (not a day honouring the much depleted girl band, unfortunately). Through various generations this day has been commercialised and bastardised in the UK by American corporations and has descended into an evening where children go out and demand chocolate and money from their neighbours (and if they are not willing, then they get eggs thrown against their door) and for students (and other miscreants) to use this as an excuse to dress up and get wasted for little reason.

It is important to take a break right now and to add that when I was a child I absolutely went out and got chocolate handed to me because I was dressed up and I expected this to happen. However, at that point I was not a) cynical b) an old man or c) a hypocrite and I really, really liked chocolate. Also, I have dressed up and got wasted in town on several occasions when I was a student, namely as Shaun (of the Dead, see @SimonPegg) and Arthur Dent. However I still maintain that Halloween was some of the worst nights of the year and I hope this goes some way to clear my hypocritical name.

Back on track, Halloween is now a key example of the Americanization of the UK, and most people who take part in this day DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY. They dress up, ‘cos everyone else dresses up, and get drunk, look like prats and misbehave, because that is apparently ok to do at Halloween. It has descended from being a religious festival into a money spinning farce, played out by companies such as Carlton, because it brings them in a significant income. You realise that the projected figures for 2011 in American alone were 6.8Bn USD, with an average person spending $72. All of this for basically dressing up like a prat and demanding chocolate from other people. Most of these people don’t even know WHY they do it, they do it because they feel it is expected. Whilst I would never indicate to people what they should do with their money, and at least they are spending it (and the American economy could do with it) do they have to bring their pish over here?

There is addition anger for other, similar days, such as Mothers/Father’s day, and specifically Valentine’s Day, but I think we can sense a recurring theme here, and I don’t want to get too tedious (Brief overview, I hate them, but I hate it more that I have to get something because society expects it of me, rather than I really wanting to do it. I can thank my mother and father whenever I want to thank you very much).

I am aware of the arguments in defense of these days, and to argue against me, namely  ‘it’s all a bit of fun’ and ‘you are a moody bastard’ (yes, I am) and such like, but I don’t care. I am being brought into these celebrations by complete strangers even though I DON’T WANT TO. I have to hide in my own house so people don’t think I am in and demand chocolate and I have to endure a week of ongoign bangs and pops and horribly loud needless noises whilst (in the past) I have to comfort my dog who was petrified by the random explosions. I can’t stand the anti-social explosions which occur above my house, raining spend firework cases down on people below them. I am all for people celebrating these things if they want, and wasting their money on fire when a match will suffice, but have a door, keep it behind it. Don’t surround me with your nonsense.

But I do have a suggestion! If you MUST do something on the fifth, you can do much, much worse than getting a beverage of your choice, a couple of friends and settling down to watch the excellent ‘V for Vendetta’. At least that way it won’t be you blowing shit up. And always remember the fifth of November, the gunfire treason and plot.

READ THIS FIRST: CRAIG'S NEW BLOG!

Hello

So, I have written a new blog. And it is important to read this first because this explains why I have about 15 things below it.

Over the past 3 years or so I have written various things either on Facebook, on OpenDiary or for a site I frequent www.hypable.com. All the posts written below this one are the old stuff I have collated in one place, mostly for me. Everything above it is new, since I got this blog thing.

I will try and update it, mostly because I like to write things. I will also be imminently posting a new blog about halloween and bonfire night. Yay.

If you do wish to read any of the below, I suggest the open letter to Aberdeen City Council, both the Hypable things and the Supermarket Rant. That is possibly my finest work.

Much obliged.

Craig

2011 Published Hypable Post: Why Disney is destroying the movie making industry as we know it

This is the second Hypable article to date, one which was written to invoke reactions, and boy did I get them. I havn't written anything since, mostly because I don't have anything to really rant about it. But I stand by it, and I especially stand by the 'if you watch 3D movies you are an idiot' comment. Because you are.

You may remember reading this article. In case you didn’t and are too lazy to click the link, Disney are now releasing four more classic Disney films, but adding their awesome and amazing Disney Digital 3D. This started with The Lion King (in 3D), undoubtedly the greatest Disney Animated Classic of all time, which should still be in a cinema near you. Now, according to IMDb, this film has, to date, taken around $86M. This is for an 18 year old film which most of us own on DVD anyway, which has already been re-released into cinemas in boring digital at some point during the 2000s. This 3D re-release, and its resultant success is truly astonishing, and it delivers a crushing blow to original film making.

Why is this? I hear you baying from the mountains. This is because of two reasons: one – it is released in 3D, which is both evil and sadistic (as well as being an utter waste of everyone’s time and money) and two – it detracts from the creative cinema making. Now, there are a number of much better complaints about 3D than you are likely to get from me out there, especially the excellent Mark Kermode (@kermodemovie) who talks about this, a lot, in a much angrier and funnier way than I could muster, specifically in his newest book which is well worth a read. No, today, we will be talking about how re-releasing the greatest Disney film of all time, in 3D, starts a tragic slide into mundane mediocrity and all out blandness. The entire ‘Disney destroys the movie industry’ argument can be summed up by the statement: “Hey, I fancy a piece of that pie”.

It apparently took the Disney team about four months to complete the conversion, using a team that would have been about 400 people, including animators and other people who do things to animations to make them move… probably a couple of magicians. Using extrapolation, guesswork and margin of error, it is probably fair to put an upper threshold of $10M as a price for these four months of work. As such, Disney has made a profit, to date, of $76M. An impressive sum, considering how little work it took to reproduce this, it really is EASY MONEY.

You can now understand some of the business reasons behind this re-release, and why Disney has have since chosen to see which other animated classics they can bring back to milk some more money out of. You can also further understand why some other studio bosses may be interested in re-releasing some of their classic films as well, but why does this ruin movie making? Well, really, how can it not? Those 400 animators et. al, who spent four months re-drawing the same images as 18 years ago could be investing their time animating the ‘Super Happy Fun Gang’ feature length movie, which would undoubtedly take billions in the box office. Re-releasing original films kills originality, because bosses have the easy decision of choosing which proven classic they are going to reproduce, rather than which riskier original film they are going to sign off on. It’s going to get worse as well, they are already rolling out Star Wars, Titanic, and even Top Gun (seriously, they really are), just in case people thought that long lingering stares whilst ‘Take my Breath Away’ rumbles on and on is just a bit bland in boring 2D. This doesn’t include the probably countless other films that I haven’t found during my cursory search.

We have bred a generation of lazy film producers. For every Inception, that a director has to battle to get the green light for, there is a re-release, or even worse, a bad film with a huge expensive marketing team plugging it, like Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (in 3D) or Transformers 3 (in 3D). I swear that if they filmed Johnny Depp flogging a dead horse with a whip for 90 minutes, in 3D, and called it ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Battle of the Stallion (where Captain Jack Sparrow has to overcome his own morals in order to complete a desecrating ritual in order to save the world), people would still pay $12 to see it, making it another commercial success, rather than the bomb it should be. And this is because we are told to see it, albeit told very well, and not because the film is actually any good at all.

The worst thing about it all is that I really don’t think anyone cares. We all think 3D re-releases are an amazing idea, that the Lion King is actually better in its duller, less sharp and protruding form, and that Johnny Depp flogging a horse would be a fantastic watch. We don’t think that it is a disgrace that we are expected to pay through the nose to see a film we already own at home instead of seeing the next storytelling masterpiece in the screen next door. I can honestly say that, unless there is a significant change in the technology, I will never, ever, see another 3D film and neither should you. Because if you do, you are an idiot. You are watching something that retracts from the movie quality, gives you a sore head, is dark and adds something that you barely notice. You are seeing what you are told to see, rather than what common sense suggests you should.

And you know what, if you really want to see something in 3D… go to the theatre.

http://www.hypable.com/disney/2011/10/10/why-disney-is-destroying-the-movie-industry-as-we-know-it/

2011 Published Hypable Article: How to stop TV related piracy in one simple step

Occasionally I am allowed to write an article for my friend Richard's (@RichardReid14) fandom based website, www.hypable.com. This is the first of them. I am actually quite proud of this one, because it wasn't really written to invoke a reaction

Don’t live in a boat. Wait, come back…

It happens to all of us, whether you’re standing around the water cooler at work having a chat (does anyone actually do this?) or abseiling down a cliff, someone will remind you about the newest episode of ‘Super Happy Fun Gang’ which was on last night. You race home at the end of the day, log onto your interwebs and visit ‘Super Happy Fun Gang TV-player.com’ to watch the episode on their catch-up TV player. When you get there, you look at the most up to date episode number and die inside. Super Happy Fun Gang Season 23, Episode 2. It is episode two of the new season. The ‘Super Happy Fun Gang TV-player.com’ only has a seven day catch up. You missed episode one. Your entire personal world ends, you fall to your knees in tears, pounding the floor, strangling your children and beating your wife in angst at the level of unfairness the world has imparted upon you. You have missed the first episode of the new series of your favourite ever TV show, which is even better than the West Wing, and you can’t even catch up on it online.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Of course it doesn’t, what’s wrong with you? Get yourself to the police station and hand yourself in. Wife beater. This doesn’t sound familiar because, in this day and age, the next best solution is just as easy: steal it (or whatever streaming online actually is). Whilst I wholeheartedly don’t suggest that you go out and commit a crime just to see which Eastenders cast member is pregnant now, it is foolish not to acknowledge that a significant portion of people do stream illegally on-line, and it’s probably rising. They will navigate away from ‘Super Happy Fun Gang TV-player.com’ onto ‘We have ALL THE THINGS for free.com’, where they can, at their leisure, watch any TV show in the world for as long as they want. Or for 72 minutes.

This rings more true for us Brits who tend to have to suffer for long periods of time awaiting the American TV shows of epic awesomeness to come to these shores. Castle Season One came here about three months ago, I think America is on season three now. Torchwood, the BRITISH Torchwood, came to our shores a week after you guys got it. There is only one way to follow these shows without the lengthy wait that is inevitable for newer shows… streaming them from ‘We have ALL THE THINGS for free.com’. Or invest in kitting your computer out with proxies of dubious security. Don’t get me wrong, it is a lot better than it was; Glee comes to Sky 1 two days after the American showing, and Two and a Half man was about 12 hours after the premier, but it isn’t perfect – not by a long shot. In the day and age of on demand consumerism and convenience everything, we want to be up to date now, and if we miss an episode, we don’t want to have to wait for the season repeat or for it to come out on a DVD box set.

There is a simple way for them to almost eradicate TV piracy and streaming sites. It is the very simple step of changing their entire business model. TV bosses need to get away from the fact that the TV, with all of its channels and its limitations, is dead. Similar to how music CDs are dead, they just haven’t yet stopped making them and should be dealt with a solid boot to the head. The business, the future, is internet based, legal streaming with complete access. Except, that future is literally now. This is where we should be, not what we should be aspiring to be, or what we think TV might be in a couple of years. The capabilities are really there, but no one is set up for that level of on demand TV. Some companies are barely set up for the level of catch up TV which companies seem to be telling us is what we want (ITV, I very sternly look at you here). We need to get away from catch up TV, and from the confines of TV channels as they are now. I don’t want to catch up on the TV I missed on the box this week, I don’t want to have my TV watching timetable prescribed to me, I want to watch my TV shows, any of them, now.

There is a case, a very good case, for all reputable TV stations to have their entire output replicated on the internet, but at a cost. Put 7 series of 40 minutes uninterrupted West Wing online, in high quality, at a measly cost per month (akin to Spotify, etc.) which can be supplemented by adverts before the show, and banners along the side or other such marketing touches, and general greatness will commence, all in lieu of TV Licensing. Once a TV series has ended, take it offline if it is heralding the way for the DVD box set or relegate it to an archive section with a different price point (let’s face it, it should be a different price to watch a brand new episode than one that is a million years old, like the Flintstones). And the thing is, American companies can have British, Canadian, Australian and Alaskan sites (with their Eskimo poetry) with the same content, but different adverts.

But there is a resistance to this, a huge resistance. And do you know what that is? That cash cow that is Reality TV. Shows such as ‘X-Factor’, ‘Enter Country Here’s Got Talent’, ‘I’m a Celebrity, Re-launch my Career’, and ‘Big Stab-Me-In-The-Eye Brother’ bring in so much money on advertising revenue, phone in charges and additional merchandising that there is no need for companies to think about changing their business model. They have a perfect one here, with so many idiots telephoning in to decide which of the incredibly irritating people are slightly more, or less, irritating than the others. There are actually TV shows, which we all know and watch, that make you pay to choose which of a selection of failed pop stars deserve to get training in singing, dancing, stage show, performing, etc. (which we are also paying for) in order to release singles and albums which people then pay for again! 10 live shows at £2 a vote, plus £10 for the physical music is a good £30 for an album right there. And it’s certainly not in the realms of music quality that the ‘The Boss’, or Iron Maiden produces, but it is incredibly bankable for the studios.

So there is the thing. People who like proper TV shows, the ones like The West Wing, Mad Men, Doctor Who, House, Fringe, The Sopranos, etc. have to suffer from TV studios stuck in the archaic past with token gestures to the future in order to prioritise the ever expanding rise of dire, disgusting and dull cash cows.

It’s easy to see which direction the studios would go if they ruled the world. And it’s easy to see why people have to resort to stealing to see the TV shows they love.

http://www.hypable.com/user-featured/2011/09/22/how-to-stop-television-related-piracy-in-one-simple-step/

2011: The Speech

Mid 2011 I was very honoured to be able to write a speech for my best friend on his wedding day. This is below

As requested

Good afternoon. Thank you. As was said, I am Craig, Stephen’s best man. You may remember me as the guy who successfully managed to get Stephen, the rings and myself to the hotel on time, with zero fatalities and only a tiny bit of chaos... I think we all know that this is the real success of today! Special mention to Roz and her HUGE list of things to do this morning.

I’d like to start off by thanking Rachie for that wonderful speech. When I first heard that a bona fide Doctor was going to be going to do the third speech this afternoon I was very impressed. I didn’t quite know how these guys managed to find someone with such prestige and as such anticipated a touch of gravitas and professionalism to be brought to the table. Then when I was told it was our Rachael, well… all of those hopes were dashed. Seriously though... good work kid.

I would like to also thank the other bridesmaids, Jenni, Naomi and Suzy, for being particularly awesome, and ensuring that my head never actually exploded.

I was in parts really honoured when Stephen asked me to be his Best Man. I think it worked out at one part honoured, nine parts petrified! As such I was rather nervous coming up to do this speech. But I guess, knowing what is about to come, I shouldn’t be the only nervous one… I mean, Jenny is going to be spending the rest of her life with this one. 

A major part of my nervousness is the instruction that this speech should, in no uncertain terms, bring the funny. So, to that end, a joke... A farmer wanted to count his sheep one day, so he said to his magical talking sheepdog to run around and count all the sheep in the field. The dog came back and said to the farmer: “We have 40 sheep.” The farmer exclaimed: “40 sheep?!? That’s impossible; I only bought 38 last week,“Don’t worry”, replied the sheepdog... “I rounded them up!”

I wasn’t entirely sure if that joke fell into the category of funny or dreadful, but at least that response has cleared that one up!

I have known Stephen some time now, not exactly sure on the specific details but we certainly met at some point during school. I have never really counted the passing of time with Stephen in normal chronological years; I tend to use a different scale: The Adams Family scale. For example, when I first met Stephen he was very much in his ‘Uncle Fester’ period, as he had no hair on his head, and a certain… hunched appearance. He then progressed through his ‘Wednesday’ period, the daughter of the family, which I think the least said about, the better, and then progressed onto where we are now; a sort of Cousin Itt / Lurch hybrid. For those that don’t know, Cousin Itt is basically just hair, and, well... I guess you can work out the characteristics of Lurch by his name...Where we go next, I shudder to think, but as long as Jenny ensures it is more Gomez rather than Mortica then we should all be grateful.

I like to think that the reason for us being such close friends has a lot to do with the fact that we have many similarities, but we are really defined by our contrasts. For example, I am clearly the more mature, sophisticated and generally more adult like one of the two, whereas Stephen is just, well… less so. And, don’t think I can’t see you sitting over there sniggering at me pretending to be mature; I do have evidence to back this claim up. To really understand the level of immaturity that lies within Stephen, you should really just watch his reaction anytime he sees a yellow car when he is driving… or anytime you happen to mention that he has LOST THE GAME.

See what I mean?

Sorry, that might not mean a lot to most of you so in the interest of referential balance, did you know that Stephen did in fact shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die? And that summer of ’69, well I have been lead to believe it was the best days of his life. Anyway, that’s the end of the silly references. Promise.

There are a number of stories that I could tell about Stephen which are brilliant, would get a massive laugh and would embarrass Stephen for the rest of his life! For example, that time with the jam, the Lycra and that ex-Big Brother contestant…I’m sure you remember that one Stephen! I have heard it was a hell of a night, and unfortunately it is covered by a super injunction and it wouldn’t be ethical to go into it in more detail. It didn’t stop the News of the World though, who were going to run with that story, in intimate detail, until they were shut down.

However, rather than tell a story about Stephen, mostly because the true ones are devoid of punch-lines, I thought I would list some of the reasons I think Stephen would be a great husband to Jenny, and what he might bring to the table for the future.

He is a very committed fella. You can tell this by the commitment Stephen had for his third year at Uni. First and second year he had no problem with, but he was so committed to third year, and so reluctant to move on that he decided that he wanted to go back and do it again and again! I think they even gave him a certificate at the end of it.

He is very protective of his friends and family. I have no issues with saying, with his experience and his intense training, in the event an alien invasion, zombie attack or being stranded on a hostile planet, he would be best placed to pull upon his skills to ensure everyone is safe. So, that’s a good reason to marry him in itself. However is there is a burst water pipe... phone a guy?

He is quite lovable… like a puppy. He also gets excited quite easily and runs around a lot… like… a puppy. He is, in fact, mostly puppy.

He has lots and lots of hair on his head, ensuring that genetically any future family has less a chance of being blighted by hair loss, like a somewhat familiar father of the groom that we could mention…

He has EXCELLENT spacial awareness, ensuring that he only very rarely runs flat out into walls, like he did at the stag night…

He is very resourceful, especially in situations where he has to staple his bow tie to his shirt in order for it to stay on... which certainly was not the case thiis morning

He is very reliable and loyal, even when an absolute idiot is too drunk and upset to remove their own  contact lenses and needs constant care and attention before falling asleep. He also remembers EVERYTHING, such as that aforementioned incident which he ensures I am reminded of on a regular basis.

He is an excellent procrastinator, whether it be doing housework or, specifically, trying to write vows. This doesn’t really bring much to the relationship but gives me another excellent opportunity to get a sly dig in at him.

All and all, he has been a good friend to me over the years, and I have been very glad to have him in my life.

I think it has been alluded to once or twice, but since Jenny and Stephen have been friends for so long prior to getting involved, this means that she is also a very good friend of mine... and wow, THE STORIES I COULD TELL! But I think we should keep those aside for a later date, or at least until I have been fed! Even though she does seriously curtail my X-box playing with Stephen, I love her very dearly, and it is amazing for me to be able to stand here and do this speech for both of these guys. Both Stephen and Jenny are a perfect match for each other and I know, from the very bottom of my heart, that this relationship will work out for you two a whole lot better than Stephens University degree worked out for him!

So for one last time, please can you stand and raise a glass to our very own Mr and Mrs Nicol.

2011: Dear Jesse Eisenberg

Wrote this open letter to Facebook after one update too many, in 2011.

To whomever it may concern / Customer Relations / Trash Folder

I am writing to you to express my concern over some recent advances in the Facebook User Interface which I in disagreement with. If I could please distract you from your time tinkering with things that are absolutely perfectly fine so you could read this little bit.

I have a series of small concerns and these are as follow

• The main driver for this letter was the removal of the SEND button [This might not be the correct name of the button, but it’s not there now, so I can’t check] on the comments under statuses/photos/links/everything. And, well... Why? What possible benefit could this bring you, me, or anyone in the world ever? I do realise that users now don’t have to take .2 of a second moving the mouse over the SEND button and can just hit enter, but this seems irrelevant, since the very next thing they will do is move the mouse around and navigate to whatever else that want to. Now I would say that learning to now press enter is itself is not a vastly tricky thing to master, but in the odd occasion during commenting I wish to put a sarcastic and quite awesomely witty statement first, and then answer the query/question/random status normally within the same comment field  I now have to press and hold Shift (the left shift is the one I prefer, in case you were interested) and then enter. This results in more work than just pressing enter and clicking send with my mouse. I have estimated that you have trebled my personal output whenever I partake in a multi-paragraph comment. Which is very, very often. And trebling any sort of output means I become less efficient at surfing Facebook whilst working. And that is a terrible thing. Further to this, this change now mean I will forget to Left Shift and Enter a large number of times and look a complete prat. And I hold you, Mr. Eisenberg personally responsible for my upcoming prattist look.

• I had a second complaint in here about the stupid photo album pop up thing when opening on the feed but it appears this does not exist anymore. Not that it in itself was a problem, just something it did was. But it doesn’t anymore. So you are forgiven. Count yourself lucky. This one time.

• The third thing I have complaint with, is if I have scrolled down through hours and hours of status updates and such on my feed and I find a particularly cute photo of something that I wish to look at it, opening this link does so in a new window. Meaning if I want to go back to my feed, by hitting backspace, or the back button on the browser, I am returned to somewhere near the top of the feed. SO I have to scroll ALL the way back down to where I was to keep on with my feed reading. Which I don’t like to do. It affects my wellbeing and blood pressure. This could kill me. Possibly. Can you not do something clever in your computering ways, that does some sort of small in browser pop up thing (similar to the photo thing that narrowly avoided being shouted at) but better?

• Further to this, I would like to move onto Facebook Mobile (for the [clearly] superior ‘droid). Now I love my ‘droid. I have named him Marvin. And I enjoy being on Facebook on Marvin, especially when I am working as a sales executor. But come one... character limits on status updates that are painfully short? You are not Twitter you know! And where are the push notifications for people commenting on your status? They were there. For a week. And now are no longer. Which is probably better than the poor state that they were there before, but come on!  Get it done. It saves me looking at the app every 30 seconds to see if anyone has laughed at my painfully unfunny retorts.

• I guess the main thing that annoys me about these small, relatively unobtrusive changes is that they are still getting signed off onto the live website, when there are still tiny little issues that actually impede the browsing the site occurring. Like comments disappearing. So say I get a notification that Richard Reid [He works for Cambridge you know. Or Oxford. Certainly one of those] has commented on your status, and hastily proceed to open it, only to discover it is not there yet. So I have to reload, or close and reopen or wait five minutes until the comment has decided it does in fact enjoy being read by all and is becomes perfectly visible. Meaning my retort has been stolen by someone who can see it. Fix what is broken before breaking what ain’t! Please.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, regardless of the fact you didn’t. If you plan to reply with a stock “thank you for your comments” etc, then please refrain, those replies actually have the opposite effect to what is intended. However, if you would like to address these properly, or in a humour fashion I would gladly receive that. And who know, it might blossom into a blooming romance.

Kind Regards

Craig Thomson

:) x

Dear Santa: 2010

The second (of two) letters to Santa, this one from 2010. I guess one will be coming in 2011 too.


Sir,

It has come to this time of year again, and whilst I may not have been as good as last year, I submit my Christmas list to you for perusal and await the twenty fifth with a breath that will become more and more baited as the month progresses.

£163 Billion pounds (sterling) – This money, whilst specific, will be used to totally eliminate the deficit of the United Kingdom. This isn’t so much for the future of the country and such, I am just getting to the stage I am really hacked off with people who complain about the cuts and don’t give reasonably alternatives to save the money.
Some sort of car that doesn’t get bogged down in the snow, have to be dug out, crawl around at 5mph behind stupid people and generally handles weather well. Or a helicopter.
43 competent councillors who can replace the absolutely retarded 43 within the Aberdeen City Council (are there seriously that many? What do they even do?!?)
A Border Collie year old puppy thing called Badges (yes, this was on last year’s list but I really want one)
An aircraft carrier for our planes. Or planes for our aircraft carriers. Or whichever way around it is
All the DVDs. In the world. Except the porn ones. And the rubbish ones.
A big library/bookcase room for all the DVDs. In the world. (If I don’t get all the DVDs I probably don’t really need this one)
A present for Kieran which will make him very happy and firmly cement my position as best person ever.
Vodka which comes in hangover-free form.
The Democrats to take the house, by a landslide. So something can actually get done.
Mark Kermode on speed dial who can recommend which film to go and see at any given time. Just for ease of argument winning.
A sort of invisible pen that doesn’t really exist but kind of does so it writes like a pen but doesn’t sit in your hand physically... Does that even make sense?
A 5.56 mm, M4 Carbine with telescopic sight and M26 MASS shotgun attachment.
Laser eye treatment which not only fixes my eyes, but enhances them. With a zoom lense or infrared capabilities. We have the technology. We can rebuild me.
A specific department which investigates all crimes which happen around me, or involve me in any way. I would suggest this department be called something unique and not stolen from a popular TV series. Like TCIS.
To play laser tag in Harrods
Arron Sorkin to be executive producer and head writer of all TV and big screen based entertainment.
Apple to release unbranded merchandise so they will be revealed as the overpriced sham that they are!

I hope that this list has reached you in good health (your good health, not so much the list’s health) and find it suitably comprehensive.

Until next year.

Craig (Aged 23)

2010: Dear Aberdeen City Council

This one, apparently, lives in a certain level of imfany. I got really annoyed with my local council and wrote an open letter to them. I didn't do very much with it though. Oct 2010

 To whoever it may concern [or the shredder]

I am writing to applaud you. In particular I wish to applaud your efforts to bring joy, harmony, security and a good standard of living to our fair city. I mean, you have not  had a lot to work with, considering the state of the finances you inherited. Well, when I say inherited, I mean ‘managed to cock up all by yourselves’. Whoever thought spending more money that you had would work for a local authority. It didn’t work for the banks, and they are good with money. Allegedly.

I LOVE the idea you have for charging your customers/mugs for parking in all your inner city carparks after 6pm. £3.50 it now costs from 6pm until 9am, rather than the free it was prior to this. It does now mean that it is impossible to park anywhere near town for free if you have a car. So you either have to walk for miles through “stab-central” or pay through the nose to go to the pub. Which is quite frankly shocking. And who actually has £3.50 on them? Considering none of the parking spaces are anywhere near anywhere that you may get change from. Though your blanket advertising of this fact was pretty expansive. You’re office notice board does get walked past by 10 people. You actually have to get to the car park, expecting it to be free, to discover you are shafting us on that as well. Also, more chargeable parking in residential areas can only be a good thing. No one really needs to visit friends and family anyway.

On another note, good planning on how to deal with the gypsies. I know they illegally park wherever they want, break down gates and fences to get into fields, bully vulnerable people into getting them to “do” their drive and then doing a shoddy job of it, litter, steal etc. But planning saplings around places that they might want to park is genius. That is sure to stop them. I don’t think I need to spend any more time on this, it is such an epic idea.

Oh, and sure, have a public meeting with the residents who are complaining about the 3rd bridge. Again. A) It’s never going to get build [along with the WPR] and B) we are not deluded enough to believe you care on the outcome. Let’s consider the Union Terrace Gardens Project, of which the majority of Aberdonians who care [enough to ‘vote’] said it was a terrible thing, and both the planners and Sir Wood should die in a burning pit of lava. You decided at this point, that No. You will ignore the public and go with whatever you damn well please. In a deluded understanding it might make you some money. It won’t, it will be delayed and over budget and you [we] will have to foot the bill. Meaning the WPR will never get build. Again. Spend the money fixing pot holes!  Or, well, anything beneficial. Like the FUCKING WESTERN PERIPHERAL ROUTE.

I do like the Sports Trust though. Genuinely, I don’t think they have done anything wrong yet. I can only assume that is because you are not in charge.

Waste bins picked up every 2 weeks is a cost saving device that you have employed. Which means that they are always over full, and everyone knows that rotting food spilling out of bins gives streets a lovely aroma.

Closing the ice rink, only to open it again when it suits you/they want to curl there was a neat trick too. Glad to see you have kept it open this time. Once you worked out it does actually bring you in some income.

Well, I think this covers most of what I wanted to say. Props on making Marshal Collage look amazing with all the scaffolding and stuff. Guess that is pretty cheap. Not like you don’t have offices across the street.

Many Regards

Craig Thomson (aged 23)

A cheerful/optimistic subject.

2010 Facebook: I don't know where I'm going

March, 2010, becoming redundant, and the first sign of my awesome Kieran.


And, in a completely different song: Nobody wants to hear you sing about misery.


This redundancy thing, well, I finished up today. Offered a couple of jobs in store to stay, and in a complete change of position I chose to go with the risky option, rather than the stable position. I couldn’t possibly point out where the logic is in that. So I currently have a number of eggs in several baskets. Which, I think kinda over-rides the entire point of the analogy, but hey ho. I have a recruiting agency which is MEANT to be setting interviews up for me over the next while. But, phoning me would be a start anyway. Which may be a bit of an omen, but we don’t think of things like that. Also had a uni interview to teach last week, and have another on in Edinburgh next week. Which I am secretly excited about. Probably, less a secret now though. But be a few weeks until that gets sorted out. Fuck it though, it’s only the future. 


Back driving ‘Schnoo Schnoo’ again. This time permanently. Of course I have only driven him very briefly, but the handling, the acceleration, the colour, it is all so, so much better than that monstrosity that was the focus. Yeah it was more powerful, but it just felt sluggish to drive. So I am VERY happy that the car is back with me and I can drive it. Humphrey is of course over the moon at being back on his normal protective duty, but isn’t talking to me because I had them separated for some time. I just like having my bodyguard with me, rather than with his love partner.


In other similarly related news, because I am mostly flat broke, I am moving home at the end of the month. Employment issues aside, I will be probably looking to get something organised flat-wise for about 3-6 months time, so will be needing some sort of living partner who can put up with me on a day to day basis [don’t worry, I go to my room when I’m moody]


So, umm, I guess it’s time to do the first of two cheesy bits. This one is B&Q related. It has been just over five years I have been employed by the company, and a lot has happened to me personally during that time. But I have had some of the greatest group of people to be around and get me through situations, and mostly I love you all. There are a couple of utter cunts though, but fortunately I never need to be around them at all. Ever. And I hope there are a number of people I will be mates with for a while. Probably against their will actually.


The second cheesy thing is mostly: I like someone. They like me. Smiles. And no, I am not telling you anything.


Umm, I think, worryingly, that is all going on with me right now. It has been MONTHS AND MONTHS since I actually did one of these things. But I finished work early [My work today consisted of driving to Peterhead, being made redundant, reading the paper and driving home] and didn’t have anything constructive to do. 


There must be SOMETHING else I can mutter about. Hmm. I am obsessed with Supernatural. Nope? Not good enough? I’m all out then.


Going out to get utterly bungalowed this evening with some mates, some colleagues, and, of course, Richard. Go team


Craig :) x


Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Facebook: Dear Santa 2009

The first of a series (OK, I have to date done 2) of faux Santa lists, this one from 2009

I have reviewed my year to date fully, and completely. I feel I have been 'a good boy' for a significant part of the year and as such I would like to put forward my Christmas List for consideration;

I would like:

A small puppy. Not a large puppy, or a tiny little rat type puppy, just a small one. Ideally some sort of Border Collie, or Springer Spaniel. I expect this puppy to come fully house trained, and to never grow old. This puppy should be named 'Badges' and like long walks, good music, and fine wine.
President Obama to be replaced. I am not entirely fussy how this replacement takes place, but something that is highly televised would be handy. Something a long the lines of an assassination, or a significant indiscretion on his part. I have nothing against Obama as per say, the reason for his removal is because I would like you to ensure that Jed Bartlett replaces him as President. I know that he is a fictional character and all... But he is so awesome it is difficult not to love him.
Some sort of infinite external HDD which contains all unique musical tracks, television episodes, and feature length films. This HDD would be tailored so that it knew exactly what mood I was in (possibly through some sort of nano-technology) and play exactly what I wanted at any given time.
A 16 strong, 4 team SAS trained task force. Just 'cos.
A pretty apt cuddling device, which gives cuddles on demand, any time, any place. This should come without the desire for conversation, the inevitability of arguments, and the tragedy of time. This should be a separate entity from point one.
More hours in the day, yet less days in the year. I propose a 30 hour day/212 day year. If you could make the sun and moon co-ordinate with this that would be epic.
The eradication of all diseases. And illness. And etc. Except from RAIDS. Mostly for the comic potential.
A H3.
A 'Time And Relative Dimension in Space' machine. And a Time Lord to drive it. 
Some hair. If you could manage it. I seem to be losing mine at a somewhat alarming rate.
To be able to play hide and seek around Hamleys.
To have a little bit more money. Not a lot, just enough so I can live right now happily, without having to budget or anything of that sort. In fact, if you can get my work to pay me what I should be getting in 6 months now, that would be nice
To eliminate first impressions of me, and start over. Though, in fairness I do not believe I would actually behave much differently.
To set fire to that third bar.
Will power. So when I say I will get up early and do x, or I will go to bed early tonight, I actually follow it through [instead of staying up and writing faux Christmas Lists for my own personal entertainment].

If you could make the arrangements to have these provided/action-ed by day-break on Christmas Day 2009 that would be fantastic.

Yours

Craig Thomson (Aged 22) <

OpenDiary; Communication Breakdown [It's always the same]

So I didn't have the internet, and I wrote this. It was a good time. Taken off of FB and copied to OD in October 2009

It has been some time since I drafted an update into the trials and tribulations of my everyday life. It has kind of broken down into mindless rants about irrelevancies. But anyway, I don’t have anything more constructive to do on my enforced isolation, so here we go…

559 Holburn Street – [Missing out the flat letter in case scary people want to stalk me is pretty much the way forward] So I moved into my new, shiny, sparkly flat at the bottom of Holburn street. I am now living with the infamous Mr Richard Reid. The flat is happily at the other end of town from my work, my parents, the pool… in fact the other end of town from anywhere I might possibly need to be. But none the less the flat is awesome, the bed is comfy and the couch is comfier still. The kitchen is big enough that 2 people can cook at the same time! It is on the top floor so we steal everyone else’s heat! And there is off street parking for my Schnoo Schnoo, which makes Humphrey very happy [someone has already had a letter of angst from me as they parked in our space!] Although I have only been in it for less than a month, the flat does currently fill me with deep joy! Will probably attempt to organise some sort of flat warming, but there is an open invitation to the flat anyway. You just need to request the letter… [Though there are only 3 flats on the top floor, probably not that tricky to work out].

Enforced Isolation [The ongoing saga] – Due to the fact that Dan moved out and I moved in, the name on the phone line had to be changed. Now allegedly BT like to be very helpful and not actually change the name, but just cut off one phone line, and start another one. Something to do with it being easier for them and accounts or some shiz. Now as far as I can gather BT take up to 7 days to prepare the phone line to carry broadband services, and then it takes another 7 days for the ISP to set up the internet on the back of it. Which means that while I have been writing this, I am missing out on the entire world! And the entire world has been missing out on me. The former is probably more of an issue for myself than the latter however. If anyone finds this on my laptop in the case of my death… I am sorry I was not strong enough to last the 14 days…

Vodka [Or lack thereof] – As part of some sort of regime I am making up as I go along with the end result of bettering my health/financial standing I have temporarily shelved any consumption of vodka. For at least the month of October, and then maybe ongoing. See how it goes but I am saving an obscene amount of money, and still having equal quantities of enjoyment. Without the pounding headache in the mornings as well! The next challenge will be cutting down on coke. If there is no vodka there is no need for coke. That will be a harder one to shaft though, probably have some sort of addiction to the caffeine in it, but we will see. I should probably just stop drinking that from now, right this minute. But there is coke in the fridge that I want to drink…

The Future’s Bright – [Yet not orange…] Decided a wee while back kinda what I wanted to do and managed to get entirely engaged into the notion. But things seem to be sucking getting it organised and its feching me off. I basically want to go back to Uni and study secondary education [In Technological Studies]. The problem I have got is it is becoming a cluster fuck organising an academic reference. Been down to the offices and sent E-mails but no one is getting back to me. So I am planning on doing a similar thing to what I did at Uni… wing it and hope for the best. If I don’t get this I don’t really know what I am going to do. This is the only thing I have settled on that I really want… but heh, will see what happens.

Healthy Addiction – I tried to become addicted to The Wire, which is a gritty realistic serial American Cop show. I will admit it is a very well written, acted and filmed, but there is nothing in it which grabs me. I have however rapidly become addicted to Fringe. Which is an American crime drama in a similar vein to the X-Files. It follows a [very well funded] branch of the FBI as they investigate incidents caused by scientific experiments in the field of ‘Fringe Science’ such as overcharging a person with radiation, physic abilities and such like. It is a very interwoven series with a lot happening in it, but it is very, very good. In addition, House, Heroes and Bones are all back! I have seen the first couple of eps but am now watching them on UK time, because of the no internet thing. House in particular was an absolutely outstanding season opener!

General Elation – Typically I am in a pretty optimistic place at the moment, I would say like if looking up… But it is exactly the same before, I am just more upbeat than normal. Could be attributed to the lack of vodka, but it is good. And there is a couple of things in the pipeline that should increase the elation tenfold, but they are being kept hush hush for the now, until any sort of conformation comes about. Not going to jinx anything for now, although some people do know about them… So I have probably kinxed it already and it will all come crashing down [Like the Hindenburg].

Commercialised Holidays: I hate the lead up to Christmas. All the stock has came in for work and I have to do the set up next week. This is truly depresses me. And it is Halloween soon… I despise Halloween. Something always goes wrong over Halloween on the night out, so I intend on staying in on the couch, with some DVDs and chocolate and turning my phone off. Nothing will upset me this year… NOTHING! Muhaha

Anyway, I am updating this one at my Parents, since the lack of internet is still ongoing. On Nightshift next week but I am OFF for a week from the 23rd, if anyone wants to hang out and catch up, drop me a text. :D There may very well be gossip to share... ;)

Speak soon

Craig :) x


Don't worry ‘bout what might have been
Just tell your woman that you're sorry
And you jumped out of your skin
Listen closely to your motto
Don't worry ‘bout what might have been
Tell the jury that you're sorry
And just jump out of your skin
I wanna jump out of my skin
I wanna jump out of my skin
And watch the clouds