2011: The Speech

Mid 2011 I was very honoured to be able to write a speech for my best friend on his wedding day. This is below

As requested

Good afternoon. Thank you. As was said, I am Craig, Stephen’s best man. You may remember me as the guy who successfully managed to get Stephen, the rings and myself to the hotel on time, with zero fatalities and only a tiny bit of chaos... I think we all know that this is the real success of today! Special mention to Roz and her HUGE list of things to do this morning.

I’d like to start off by thanking Rachie for that wonderful speech. When I first heard that a bona fide Doctor was going to be going to do the third speech this afternoon I was very impressed. I didn’t quite know how these guys managed to find someone with such prestige and as such anticipated a touch of gravitas and professionalism to be brought to the table. Then when I was told it was our Rachael, well… all of those hopes were dashed. Seriously though... good work kid.

I would like to also thank the other bridesmaids, Jenni, Naomi and Suzy, for being particularly awesome, and ensuring that my head never actually exploded.

I was in parts really honoured when Stephen asked me to be his Best Man. I think it worked out at one part honoured, nine parts petrified! As such I was rather nervous coming up to do this speech. But I guess, knowing what is about to come, I shouldn’t be the only nervous one… I mean, Jenny is going to be spending the rest of her life with this one. 

A major part of my nervousness is the instruction that this speech should, in no uncertain terms, bring the funny. So, to that end, a joke... A farmer wanted to count his sheep one day, so he said to his magical talking sheepdog to run around and count all the sheep in the field. The dog came back and said to the farmer: “We have 40 sheep.” The farmer exclaimed: “40 sheep?!? That’s impossible; I only bought 38 last week,“Don’t worry”, replied the sheepdog... “I rounded them up!”

I wasn’t entirely sure if that joke fell into the category of funny or dreadful, but at least that response has cleared that one up!

I have known Stephen some time now, not exactly sure on the specific details but we certainly met at some point during school. I have never really counted the passing of time with Stephen in normal chronological years; I tend to use a different scale: The Adams Family scale. For example, when I first met Stephen he was very much in his ‘Uncle Fester’ period, as he had no hair on his head, and a certain… hunched appearance. He then progressed through his ‘Wednesday’ period, the daughter of the family, which I think the least said about, the better, and then progressed onto where we are now; a sort of Cousin Itt / Lurch hybrid. For those that don’t know, Cousin Itt is basically just hair, and, well... I guess you can work out the characteristics of Lurch by his name...Where we go next, I shudder to think, but as long as Jenny ensures it is more Gomez rather than Mortica then we should all be grateful.

I like to think that the reason for us being such close friends has a lot to do with the fact that we have many similarities, but we are really defined by our contrasts. For example, I am clearly the more mature, sophisticated and generally more adult like one of the two, whereas Stephen is just, well… less so. And, don’t think I can’t see you sitting over there sniggering at me pretending to be mature; I do have evidence to back this claim up. To really understand the level of immaturity that lies within Stephen, you should really just watch his reaction anytime he sees a yellow car when he is driving… or anytime you happen to mention that he has LOST THE GAME.

See what I mean?

Sorry, that might not mean a lot to most of you so in the interest of referential balance, did you know that Stephen did in fact shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die? And that summer of ’69, well I have been lead to believe it was the best days of his life. Anyway, that’s the end of the silly references. Promise.

There are a number of stories that I could tell about Stephen which are brilliant, would get a massive laugh and would embarrass Stephen for the rest of his life! For example, that time with the jam, the Lycra and that ex-Big Brother contestant…I’m sure you remember that one Stephen! I have heard it was a hell of a night, and unfortunately it is covered by a super injunction and it wouldn’t be ethical to go into it in more detail. It didn’t stop the News of the World though, who were going to run with that story, in intimate detail, until they were shut down.

However, rather than tell a story about Stephen, mostly because the true ones are devoid of punch-lines, I thought I would list some of the reasons I think Stephen would be a great husband to Jenny, and what he might bring to the table for the future.

He is a very committed fella. You can tell this by the commitment Stephen had for his third year at Uni. First and second year he had no problem with, but he was so committed to third year, and so reluctant to move on that he decided that he wanted to go back and do it again and again! I think they even gave him a certificate at the end of it.

He is very protective of his friends and family. I have no issues with saying, with his experience and his intense training, in the event an alien invasion, zombie attack or being stranded on a hostile planet, he would be best placed to pull upon his skills to ensure everyone is safe. So, that’s a good reason to marry him in itself. However is there is a burst water pipe... phone a guy?

He is quite lovable… like a puppy. He also gets excited quite easily and runs around a lot… like… a puppy. He is, in fact, mostly puppy.

He has lots and lots of hair on his head, ensuring that genetically any future family has less a chance of being blighted by hair loss, like a somewhat familiar father of the groom that we could mention…

He has EXCELLENT spacial awareness, ensuring that he only very rarely runs flat out into walls, like he did at the stag night…

He is very resourceful, especially in situations where he has to staple his bow tie to his shirt in order for it to stay on... which certainly was not the case thiis morning

He is very reliable and loyal, even when an absolute idiot is too drunk and upset to remove their own  contact lenses and needs constant care and attention before falling asleep. He also remembers EVERYTHING, such as that aforementioned incident which he ensures I am reminded of on a regular basis.

He is an excellent procrastinator, whether it be doing housework or, specifically, trying to write vows. This doesn’t really bring much to the relationship but gives me another excellent opportunity to get a sly dig in at him.

All and all, he has been a good friend to me over the years, and I have been very glad to have him in my life.

I think it has been alluded to once or twice, but since Jenny and Stephen have been friends for so long prior to getting involved, this means that she is also a very good friend of mine... and wow, THE STORIES I COULD TELL! But I think we should keep those aside for a later date, or at least until I have been fed! Even though she does seriously curtail my X-box playing with Stephen, I love her very dearly, and it is amazing for me to be able to stand here and do this speech for both of these guys. Both Stephen and Jenny are a perfect match for each other and I know, from the very bottom of my heart, that this relationship will work out for you two a whole lot better than Stephens University degree worked out for him!

So for one last time, please can you stand and raise a glass to our very own Mr and Mrs Nicol.