Dear Santa: 2010

The second (of two) letters to Santa, this one from 2010. I guess one will be coming in 2011 too.


Sir,

It has come to this time of year again, and whilst I may not have been as good as last year, I submit my Christmas list to you for perusal and await the twenty fifth with a breath that will become more and more baited as the month progresses.

£163 Billion pounds (sterling) – This money, whilst specific, will be used to totally eliminate the deficit of the United Kingdom. This isn’t so much for the future of the country and such, I am just getting to the stage I am really hacked off with people who complain about the cuts and don’t give reasonably alternatives to save the money.
Some sort of car that doesn’t get bogged down in the snow, have to be dug out, crawl around at 5mph behind stupid people and generally handles weather well. Or a helicopter.
43 competent councillors who can replace the absolutely retarded 43 within the Aberdeen City Council (are there seriously that many? What do they even do?!?)
A Border Collie year old puppy thing called Badges (yes, this was on last year’s list but I really want one)
An aircraft carrier for our planes. Or planes for our aircraft carriers. Or whichever way around it is
All the DVDs. In the world. Except the porn ones. And the rubbish ones.
A big library/bookcase room for all the DVDs. In the world. (If I don’t get all the DVDs I probably don’t really need this one)
A present for Kieran which will make him very happy and firmly cement my position as best person ever.
Vodka which comes in hangover-free form.
The Democrats to take the house, by a landslide. So something can actually get done.
Mark Kermode on speed dial who can recommend which film to go and see at any given time. Just for ease of argument winning.
A sort of invisible pen that doesn’t really exist but kind of does so it writes like a pen but doesn’t sit in your hand physically... Does that even make sense?
A 5.56 mm, M4 Carbine with telescopic sight and M26 MASS shotgun attachment.
Laser eye treatment which not only fixes my eyes, but enhances them. With a zoom lense or infrared capabilities. We have the technology. We can rebuild me.
A specific department which investigates all crimes which happen around me, or involve me in any way. I would suggest this department be called something unique and not stolen from a popular TV series. Like TCIS.
To play laser tag in Harrods
Arron Sorkin to be executive producer and head writer of all TV and big screen based entertainment.
Apple to release unbranded merchandise so they will be revealed as the overpriced sham that they are!

I hope that this list has reached you in good health (your good health, not so much the list’s health) and find it suitably comprehensive.

Until next year.

Craig (Aged 23)

2010: Dear Aberdeen City Council

This one, apparently, lives in a certain level of imfany. I got really annoyed with my local council and wrote an open letter to them. I didn't do very much with it though. Oct 2010

 To whoever it may concern [or the shredder]

I am writing to applaud you. In particular I wish to applaud your efforts to bring joy, harmony, security and a good standard of living to our fair city. I mean, you have not  had a lot to work with, considering the state of the finances you inherited. Well, when I say inherited, I mean ‘managed to cock up all by yourselves’. Whoever thought spending more money that you had would work for a local authority. It didn’t work for the banks, and they are good with money. Allegedly.

I LOVE the idea you have for charging your customers/mugs for parking in all your inner city carparks after 6pm. £3.50 it now costs from 6pm until 9am, rather than the free it was prior to this. It does now mean that it is impossible to park anywhere near town for free if you have a car. So you either have to walk for miles through “stab-central” or pay through the nose to go to the pub. Which is quite frankly shocking. And who actually has £3.50 on them? Considering none of the parking spaces are anywhere near anywhere that you may get change from. Though your blanket advertising of this fact was pretty expansive. You’re office notice board does get walked past by 10 people. You actually have to get to the car park, expecting it to be free, to discover you are shafting us on that as well. Also, more chargeable parking in residential areas can only be a good thing. No one really needs to visit friends and family anyway.

On another note, good planning on how to deal with the gypsies. I know they illegally park wherever they want, break down gates and fences to get into fields, bully vulnerable people into getting them to “do” their drive and then doing a shoddy job of it, litter, steal etc. But planning saplings around places that they might want to park is genius. That is sure to stop them. I don’t think I need to spend any more time on this, it is such an epic idea.

Oh, and sure, have a public meeting with the residents who are complaining about the 3rd bridge. Again. A) It’s never going to get build [along with the WPR] and B) we are not deluded enough to believe you care on the outcome. Let’s consider the Union Terrace Gardens Project, of which the majority of Aberdonians who care [enough to ‘vote’] said it was a terrible thing, and both the planners and Sir Wood should die in a burning pit of lava. You decided at this point, that No. You will ignore the public and go with whatever you damn well please. In a deluded understanding it might make you some money. It won’t, it will be delayed and over budget and you [we] will have to foot the bill. Meaning the WPR will never get build. Again. Spend the money fixing pot holes!  Or, well, anything beneficial. Like the FUCKING WESTERN PERIPHERAL ROUTE.

I do like the Sports Trust though. Genuinely, I don’t think they have done anything wrong yet. I can only assume that is because you are not in charge.

Waste bins picked up every 2 weeks is a cost saving device that you have employed. Which means that they are always over full, and everyone knows that rotting food spilling out of bins gives streets a lovely aroma.

Closing the ice rink, only to open it again when it suits you/they want to curl there was a neat trick too. Glad to see you have kept it open this time. Once you worked out it does actually bring you in some income.

Well, I think this covers most of what I wanted to say. Props on making Marshal Collage look amazing with all the scaffolding and stuff. Guess that is pretty cheap. Not like you don’t have offices across the street.

Many Regards

Craig Thomson (aged 23)

A cheerful/optimistic subject.

2010 Facebook: I don't know where I'm going

March, 2010, becoming redundant, and the first sign of my awesome Kieran.


And, in a completely different song: Nobody wants to hear you sing about misery.


This redundancy thing, well, I finished up today. Offered a couple of jobs in store to stay, and in a complete change of position I chose to go with the risky option, rather than the stable position. I couldn’t possibly point out where the logic is in that. So I currently have a number of eggs in several baskets. Which, I think kinda over-rides the entire point of the analogy, but hey ho. I have a recruiting agency which is MEANT to be setting interviews up for me over the next while. But, phoning me would be a start anyway. Which may be a bit of an omen, but we don’t think of things like that. Also had a uni interview to teach last week, and have another on in Edinburgh next week. Which I am secretly excited about. Probably, less a secret now though. But be a few weeks until that gets sorted out. Fuck it though, it’s only the future. 


Back driving ‘Schnoo Schnoo’ again. This time permanently. Of course I have only driven him very briefly, but the handling, the acceleration, the colour, it is all so, so much better than that monstrosity that was the focus. Yeah it was more powerful, but it just felt sluggish to drive. So I am VERY happy that the car is back with me and I can drive it. Humphrey is of course over the moon at being back on his normal protective duty, but isn’t talking to me because I had them separated for some time. I just like having my bodyguard with me, rather than with his love partner.


In other similarly related news, because I am mostly flat broke, I am moving home at the end of the month. Employment issues aside, I will be probably looking to get something organised flat-wise for about 3-6 months time, so will be needing some sort of living partner who can put up with me on a day to day basis [don’t worry, I go to my room when I’m moody]


So, umm, I guess it’s time to do the first of two cheesy bits. This one is B&Q related. It has been just over five years I have been employed by the company, and a lot has happened to me personally during that time. But I have had some of the greatest group of people to be around and get me through situations, and mostly I love you all. There are a couple of utter cunts though, but fortunately I never need to be around them at all. Ever. And I hope there are a number of people I will be mates with for a while. Probably against their will actually.


The second cheesy thing is mostly: I like someone. They like me. Smiles. And no, I am not telling you anything.


Umm, I think, worryingly, that is all going on with me right now. It has been MONTHS AND MONTHS since I actually did one of these things. But I finished work early [My work today consisted of driving to Peterhead, being made redundant, reading the paper and driving home] and didn’t have anything constructive to do. 


There must be SOMETHING else I can mutter about. Hmm. I am obsessed with Supernatural. Nope? Not good enough? I’m all out then.


Going out to get utterly bungalowed this evening with some mates, some colleagues, and, of course, Richard. Go team


Craig :) x


Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Facebook: Dear Santa 2009

The first of a series (OK, I have to date done 2) of faux Santa lists, this one from 2009

I have reviewed my year to date fully, and completely. I feel I have been 'a good boy' for a significant part of the year and as such I would like to put forward my Christmas List for consideration;

I would like:

A small puppy. Not a large puppy, or a tiny little rat type puppy, just a small one. Ideally some sort of Border Collie, or Springer Spaniel. I expect this puppy to come fully house trained, and to never grow old. This puppy should be named 'Badges' and like long walks, good music, and fine wine.
President Obama to be replaced. I am not entirely fussy how this replacement takes place, but something that is highly televised would be handy. Something a long the lines of an assassination, or a significant indiscretion on his part. I have nothing against Obama as per say, the reason for his removal is because I would like you to ensure that Jed Bartlett replaces him as President. I know that he is a fictional character and all... But he is so awesome it is difficult not to love him.
Some sort of infinite external HDD which contains all unique musical tracks, television episodes, and feature length films. This HDD would be tailored so that it knew exactly what mood I was in (possibly through some sort of nano-technology) and play exactly what I wanted at any given time.
A 16 strong, 4 team SAS trained task force. Just 'cos.
A pretty apt cuddling device, which gives cuddles on demand, any time, any place. This should come without the desire for conversation, the inevitability of arguments, and the tragedy of time. This should be a separate entity from point one.
More hours in the day, yet less days in the year. I propose a 30 hour day/212 day year. If you could make the sun and moon co-ordinate with this that would be epic.
The eradication of all diseases. And illness. And etc. Except from RAIDS. Mostly for the comic potential.
A H3.
A 'Time And Relative Dimension in Space' machine. And a Time Lord to drive it. 
Some hair. If you could manage it. I seem to be losing mine at a somewhat alarming rate.
To be able to play hide and seek around Hamleys.
To have a little bit more money. Not a lot, just enough so I can live right now happily, without having to budget or anything of that sort. In fact, if you can get my work to pay me what I should be getting in 6 months now, that would be nice
To eliminate first impressions of me, and start over. Though, in fairness I do not believe I would actually behave much differently.
To set fire to that third bar.
Will power. So when I say I will get up early and do x, or I will go to bed early tonight, I actually follow it through [instead of staying up and writing faux Christmas Lists for my own personal entertainment].

If you could make the arrangements to have these provided/action-ed by day-break on Christmas Day 2009 that would be fantastic.

Yours

Craig Thomson (Aged 22) <

OpenDiary; Communication Breakdown [It's always the same]

So I didn't have the internet, and I wrote this. It was a good time. Taken off of FB and copied to OD in October 2009

It has been some time since I drafted an update into the trials and tribulations of my everyday life. It has kind of broken down into mindless rants about irrelevancies. But anyway, I don’t have anything more constructive to do on my enforced isolation, so here we go…

559 Holburn Street – [Missing out the flat letter in case scary people want to stalk me is pretty much the way forward] So I moved into my new, shiny, sparkly flat at the bottom of Holburn street. I am now living with the infamous Mr Richard Reid. The flat is happily at the other end of town from my work, my parents, the pool… in fact the other end of town from anywhere I might possibly need to be. But none the less the flat is awesome, the bed is comfy and the couch is comfier still. The kitchen is big enough that 2 people can cook at the same time! It is on the top floor so we steal everyone else’s heat! And there is off street parking for my Schnoo Schnoo, which makes Humphrey very happy [someone has already had a letter of angst from me as they parked in our space!] Although I have only been in it for less than a month, the flat does currently fill me with deep joy! Will probably attempt to organise some sort of flat warming, but there is an open invitation to the flat anyway. You just need to request the letter… [Though there are only 3 flats on the top floor, probably not that tricky to work out].

Enforced Isolation [The ongoing saga] – Due to the fact that Dan moved out and I moved in, the name on the phone line had to be changed. Now allegedly BT like to be very helpful and not actually change the name, but just cut off one phone line, and start another one. Something to do with it being easier for them and accounts or some shiz. Now as far as I can gather BT take up to 7 days to prepare the phone line to carry broadband services, and then it takes another 7 days for the ISP to set up the internet on the back of it. Which means that while I have been writing this, I am missing out on the entire world! And the entire world has been missing out on me. The former is probably more of an issue for myself than the latter however. If anyone finds this on my laptop in the case of my death… I am sorry I was not strong enough to last the 14 days…

Vodka [Or lack thereof] – As part of some sort of regime I am making up as I go along with the end result of bettering my health/financial standing I have temporarily shelved any consumption of vodka. For at least the month of October, and then maybe ongoing. See how it goes but I am saving an obscene amount of money, and still having equal quantities of enjoyment. Without the pounding headache in the mornings as well! The next challenge will be cutting down on coke. If there is no vodka there is no need for coke. That will be a harder one to shaft though, probably have some sort of addiction to the caffeine in it, but we will see. I should probably just stop drinking that from now, right this minute. But there is coke in the fridge that I want to drink…

The Future’s Bright – [Yet not orange…] Decided a wee while back kinda what I wanted to do and managed to get entirely engaged into the notion. But things seem to be sucking getting it organised and its feching me off. I basically want to go back to Uni and study secondary education [In Technological Studies]. The problem I have got is it is becoming a cluster fuck organising an academic reference. Been down to the offices and sent E-mails but no one is getting back to me. So I am planning on doing a similar thing to what I did at Uni… wing it and hope for the best. If I don’t get this I don’t really know what I am going to do. This is the only thing I have settled on that I really want… but heh, will see what happens.

Healthy Addiction – I tried to become addicted to The Wire, which is a gritty realistic serial American Cop show. I will admit it is a very well written, acted and filmed, but there is nothing in it which grabs me. I have however rapidly become addicted to Fringe. Which is an American crime drama in a similar vein to the X-Files. It follows a [very well funded] branch of the FBI as they investigate incidents caused by scientific experiments in the field of ‘Fringe Science’ such as overcharging a person with radiation, physic abilities and such like. It is a very interwoven series with a lot happening in it, but it is very, very good. In addition, House, Heroes and Bones are all back! I have seen the first couple of eps but am now watching them on UK time, because of the no internet thing. House in particular was an absolutely outstanding season opener!

General Elation – Typically I am in a pretty optimistic place at the moment, I would say like if looking up… But it is exactly the same before, I am just more upbeat than normal. Could be attributed to the lack of vodka, but it is good. And there is a couple of things in the pipeline that should increase the elation tenfold, but they are being kept hush hush for the now, until any sort of conformation comes about. Not going to jinx anything for now, although some people do know about them… So I have probably kinxed it already and it will all come crashing down [Like the Hindenburg].

Commercialised Holidays: I hate the lead up to Christmas. All the stock has came in for work and I have to do the set up next week. This is truly depresses me. And it is Halloween soon… I despise Halloween. Something always goes wrong over Halloween on the night out, so I intend on staying in on the couch, with some DVDs and chocolate and turning my phone off. Nothing will upset me this year… NOTHING! Muhaha

Anyway, I am updating this one at my Parents, since the lack of internet is still ongoing. On Nightshift next week but I am OFF for a week from the 23rd, if anyone wants to hang out and catch up, drop me a text. :D There may very well be gossip to share... ;)

Speak soon

Craig :) x


Don't worry ‘bout what might have been
Just tell your woman that you're sorry
And you jumped out of your skin
Listen closely to your motto
Don't worry ‘bout what might have been
Tell the jury that you're sorry
And just jump out of your skin
I wanna jump out of my skin
I wanna jump out of my skin
And watch the clouds

Facebook Notes: Hate

Again from Facebook, taken from July 2009, a list of things I hate. I think I was angry this date. Very, very angry


Let’s keep this brief… things that have been annoying me recently are:


People who, for whatever reason, get a half day. Then rub it in your face.
People who think that indicators on a car are optional
People who insist of discarding the entire English language in both written and oral communication [but we let off people who make errors]
People who get so drunk on a regular basis that they cannot communicate at a rudimentary level
People who think that homosexuality is an excuse to pigeonhole themselves/other people
People who say “lol” in real life with their tongue firmly out of their cheek.
Customers who believe that the very fact that they are in the shop you work in buying stuff makes them better people than you
People who dress their animals
People who ‘complain about a free meal’ [figuratively]
People who spend more time complaining about the cock up that has happened rather than how to move on from it
People who don’t get obvious ‘hints’ that you really don’t want to be engaged in a/this conversation at this time. Or ever
Artists who make another album after a greatest hits album
People who think it is OK to speak for me when I am standing right there
People who state the mind numbingly obvious. I also have realised this issue, but don’t feel the need to vocalise it
People who believe in the stupidest of conspiracy theories, but are unable to provide any evidence that backs it up, whilst simultaneously discarding any real evidence on the contrary.
People who put on an idiotic accent for whatever image they are trying to coform to
People who try and tell me what to eat. I will eat and drink what I want twhn I want it. Thank you very much! [Mother excluded]
People who do not look where they are going/walk side by side so you can’t get passed/walk very slowly/push those double side by side buggies
People who take small children onto airplanes and insist of making them cry
People who cannot control their animals
People who look down on you because they are smarter/better off/dress better than you
People who [just generally] seem to think they are superior to you for any reason. They are not
People who are so old they cannot leave the house without an escort leaving the house without an escort
Groups of teenagers being seen and heard
People who still think Big Brother et al are still good, broadcast able and acceptable concepts
Politics in everything except from the running of a country
People who think that being different means that being /looking like a twat is imperative
Vocal negativity rather than pessimism 
People who speak on the phone instead of speaking to you [for whatever reason]
TV producers/writers who ruin a good thing
The whole concept of High Street Shopping
People who go out to ‘Network’ and come back to ‘Chillax’
Arrogance
Snipers
People who insist on quoting The Dark Knight
The inability in certain people to play The Devil’s Advocate to further conversation
People who moan about the weather. It is the weather, it does the weather things!
Happy couples. Sad couples. Angry couples. Just couples and their couplyness
High level hypocrisy [as opposed to meaningless hypocrisy]
People who are just impolite. It costs you nothing to exchange pleasant niceties and a smile goes a long way.
People who think that Football is the only sport worth watching
People who are actually incapable, or unwilling, to do the job they are paid to do!
Journalists who have the inability to write a proper story
People who are genuinely stupid!
Pedestrians who insist on standing at THAT point on the kerb so when you are pulling out into traffic you cannot actually see the traffic you are pulling out into
People who yearn for yesteryear.
People who ask are incapable of asking a simple question and pad it out with irrelevent information that you really don't care about
Any American President who is not Jed Bartlet... Except maybe Matthew Santos.
People who actually do not comprehend 'sarcasm
'Psychics'
Cyclists. Just, being cyclists in my presence.
People who say "no offence" before lurching into something that is typically offensive. If you are going to say something offensive to someone, have the balls to mean it.
People who try to speak to everyone because they want to look popular, rather than them actually being friendly/interested in speaking to anyone
People who drink and drive and think it is ok because "they wont get caught"
People who spend thousands of pounds "modifying" a shit car, instead of spending thousands of pounds on an actually good car




Yes, it has been an... interesting day at the office. This may be added to and adapted ongoing. And the concept was blatantly stolen.


Craig

Facebook Notes: TITP 2009

Onto a little something from Facebook, a brief overview of our TITP visit in 2009. Only really going to be kept here for sentimental reasons. Not really worth reading too much.


Good Weather? Check
Good Music? Check
Good Banter? Debata… I mean: Check.
Good Fun? Check.
Rock And Fucking Roll? Kinda. A bit. Checkish.

T in the Park 2009 is over. The tents have been struck (well, some probably have)and the car park has been emptied. Richard did an itemised blog thing on Facebook and I can’t be bothered reiterating his entire posts so we will just do a list. I like lists. Especially the list to kill.

Yay! All That Was Good About T IN THE PARK! [in the order I recall them]

• The absolutely cracking weather for the duration of the whole weekend [except Sunday morning]
• The Nine Inch Nails mosh pit
• Dominoes pizza. For every meal, every day! Full of pizzay goodness!
• Watching Rich get concerned about the dead man in the field. And not helping him ease his guilt for not checking [Do you think he is still dead? …It is kinda permanent!].
• Capturing my hatred for all people by compiling a list full of those that I would happily kill.
• Snow Patrol/Franz Ferdinand/Kings Of Leon/Regina Spektor/NIN/White Lies
• Watching the reaction to some random people hearing Richard say “To be fair, most people want to stab you [craig]” out of context.
• Seeing Graham again [albeit it briefly]
• Topless men with hot bodies
• Being prepared for all eventualities… so I did not BURN! Or require a shit.
• Nicols comments about on a group of ladies who genuinely look like they are the nicest people in the world: “you never know, they might be filthy”.
• Leanne being angry at me for not meeting her halfway through the Snow Patrol set, then apologising and saying she didn’t know what she said just knows what she is like. Yeap, Leanne came down with red haze. 
• Wearing STUPID clothing. Yeap, Nine Inch Nails with an Orange and white floral shirt, and a battered straw hat, a yellow and white chequered shirt for snow patrol, and some green floral shirt for the Friday. Love it.
• Stating that obesity is nature’s way of giving up on someone…
• Katy Perry covering Queen

Boo! All That Was Bad About T IN THE PARK!

• Our Friendly Neighbourhood Spider Junkies. That enjoy being friendly throughout the whole night!
• If I hear one more complaint about it being too hot and wanting it to rain…
• Leanne discovering the best way to torture me [on the record, it is to give me glasses of vodka…]
• Lady GaGa. I mean, what is the point?
• Calvin Harris. I mean… really… what is the point?
• Topless men with hotter bodies than I.
• Hayfever. FUCKING HAYFEVER AND YOUR SHITTY SHITNESS.
• Not eating or sleeping in 4 nights and getting utterly drunk and attempting to call every single person in my phone book. Thank god most did not connect…
• Being told by a random stranger that “people like me make him want to rip my fucking head off”. I was wearing the stupid orange floral shirt at the time.
• Being so tired on Sunday I napped through the second half of Ragina Spektor. She was amazing, I literally could not stand
• Couples

Should bring this list to a close for now, else I could probably write indefinitely. All in all it was a truly fantastic weekend. Good to lose some inhibitions and have some absolute banter. Yeah so I was shattered, yeah I hardly slept, didn’t eat, did some stupid things and spoke to some people I shouldn’t. But would I do it again? Of course! Without a second thought! Utilise more vodka though. And really need to learn to drink beer. But yeah I can complain, and I can moan and I did a lot during the weekend. But if you live life in your comfort zone, you miss out a hell of a lot. Wouldn’t swap the weekend for all the rest.

Roll on 2010! And roll on Bruce Springsteen. Baby we were born to run!

Photos to follow

T. 

I got my propaganda I got revisionism
I got my violence in hi-def ultra-realism
I’m a part of this great nation
I got my fist I got my plan I got survivalism